A Message from Me on October 11, 2010

“And I know you can’t live on hope alone, but without hope, life is not worth living. So you…and you…and you. You gotta give ‘em hope. You gotta give ‘em hope”- Harvey Milk

I can’t get to bed tonight without writing this. My goal in writing it is to provide hope. It is to further understanding. It is to begin communication. And I have to admit that this isn’t the easiest thing that I’ve ever written. It’s possible that I might not even publish this in a public forum. But, whatever way you end up reading this, be it on the internet or in my journal long after I’m gone, I hope that your understanding is increased and that you feel hope.

I am scared to write what I’m going to write because I’m worried that I might lose friends. I’m scared to write a single word because it means that a new chapter of my life is beginning. I’m scared to write it because for so long I fought what it would mean. But, even in this fear, and even in this very vulnerable place I find myself, I also feel calm, at peace, and loved. So, here it is folks…I’m gay.

Now some are you are probably thinking, “It’s taken him this long to say it?” And the answer is yes and no. I’ve told almost all of my family and closest friends, and unsurprisingly have been shown intense love and support. But I’ve yet to be really be proud of it. Every time I’ve told someone I’ve almost been apologetic. So I proudly say it now, I am a gay man.

Ok, this is not supposed to be a way to gets pats on the back or hugs or cheers for me (or especially the opposite). Like I said at the beginning, I want to increase understanding and hope in this world that is often scary and lonely. So in telling my story (which is really just beginning) I hope you can all understand this part of me a little better. And yes, I used the word ‘part’ because it really is just a ‘part’ of who I am. I’m still the same Michael Ryan Holt.

When I first imagined what I would write in this I thought that I would spend time telling my story, i.e. when I first recognized I was attracted to men, how the Church to which I belonged influenced me and how I have learned to cope with obvious clashes between my thoughts and the doctrines taught, etc. But to try to explain why I feel the way I do or why I feel it is right or how I feel at ease with my relationship with God, would be futile because I would be trying to justify something to you all that doesn’t need justification. I don’t have to explain why I have these feelings because there is no explanation other than I just do.

For me, here’s what it always comes down to…why would I choose to have these feelings when I tried so hard not to? Why give myself a harder life, if it really were a choice? Why not choose the easier way and avoid possible rejection from those I love? I have come back to these questions over and over again. And the only answer that I feel is true is that this isn’t a choice. And the God that I believe in, the one whose love I have felt from a very young age, that God, I don’t believe, will punish me for this. Even if I get to heaven one day and am judged and am told that I was wrong, that being gay is wrong, then I still think that the God I believe in will have mercy. He’ll still love me. He’ll forgive me for being confused. And this is where what I believe differs from what I’ve been told to believe. I recognize that. But in my heart and in my soul, I am confident that I’m going to be alright, and that I’m going to be happy. That I was born this way.

There are those of you who are reading this who no doubt will be disappointed in what I’m saying. You’ll be sad for what I’ve written. But I ask that you don’t be. I have never felt so honest in my life. Honest with myself, with my family and friends, with God. I have never felt more content, more open, and more loved than I do now. Is life perfect? Absolutely not. There are still hard days and amazing days. But I have always been surrounded by wonderful family and friends who love me and support me and will continue to do so. And the knowledge that such supportive people surround me has and will always keep me moving forward towards the future. I ask that those who may be disappointed in what I’ve said to continue to be a part of my life, and to continue to love me and support me as you’ve always done.

I said at the beginning that the purpose of this was to give hope to others. So for those who may be confused, sad, angry, or depressed about anything in their lives, be it their sexuality, their purpose, their families, their friends, their educations, their self-image…this is my message to you: There are people in the world who love you and support you. You may not even know them yet. But there are people who exist who want you to succeed. Life gets better! It always gets better and tomorrow can only be better than today. You might have to fight and wade through some deep waters to get to the better tomorrow, but I promise it exists. Seek out people who are good to you and who love you and who support you unconditionally and you will feel happiness and joy in your lives. Talk to me if you need to. I promise I’ll support you in doing whatever betters your life.

I’d end this by repeating that one’s sexuality is a descriptor, not a definer. I don’t define myself by my sexuality. It is a personal and private part of my life, and just another part of Michael Ryan Holt. Let’s look past labels and titles and focus on people and the innate goodness and infinite potential that every person on earth has. As we focus on supporting and loving others, no matter what they are or do, there will be increased peace, understanding, and happiness in the world. That has been my experience, and I would hope that everyone can feel the love and support that I do. I have no regrets about my life or any of the decisions I’ve made. I harbor no hard feelings towards anyone or any group. In fact, I feel more love towards others than ever before. And because I’ve learned to love others unconditionally, I have become stronger, happier, and more fulfilled. I hope that we all can increase in our compassion and love towards all people.